I'm a writer. Much of my life is spent in my little cubbyhole of an office, glued to a computer screen, a Kindle or a bookcase. Things like tornadoes and minor earthquakes sometimes pass unnoticed. I'm writing (or reading). When the kids were younger, there was a sign on my closed office door: "If you're not bleeding and the house isn't on fire, don't come in." It was a joke, of course, and one really loud noise from child or dog would bring me out like a mother grizzly, but there was a serious underlying message--I have a life, I have a job, I am a person. Now that the kids are grown the door is open, but I still utter a primal scream occasionally when the phone rings in the middle of a crucial scene.
I'm a writer. My privacy is my life and my life is private. Or it was until I (unwisely) friended someone who knew others in my online groups. Seemed harmless enough.
Wrong.
The first approach was by Facebook. "Dear Ms. Lonely Hearts." No, it didn't really read that way, but might as well have. He had seen my profile. I looked like a nice person. Was I married? He was looking for love (in all the wrong places, I might add.)
He looked for love by email addy, too. Mine. Next it was an instant message. Finally I started to get...dare I say it?...pissed. I am not THAT nice a person.
I've done what you can do: blocked, logged out, moaned and groaned to my publisher who fortunately takes such matters seriously. Hopefully this will end it. If not, I am prepared--really, seriously prepared--to take stronger measures. This is a lot worse than a phone ringing at the crucial moment.
Have you ever had this problem? If so, how did you deal with it? Are we as writers even more vulnerable to this sort of thing because we--you know--put ourselves out there? Does this make us celebrities? Funny, I don't feel like a celebrity. I feel like your average, slightly out-to-lunch writer. Sometimes I'm out to breakfast and dinner, too. I'm plotting.
I think I'm reasonably friendly. Genuine fan mail or fan discussion is delightful and I do respond. I love dogs and cats and am kind to children and little old ladies (after all, I'm rapidly becoming one). Still, if you're not bleeding or the house isn't on fire...
This shows the good and bad sides of the internet and loops and social sites. And thank God for the delete key. I know it doesn't always work, but... I appreciate the internet and the computer for writing and saving so you don't have to totally retype a WIP, but I'm also wary of it. "It" knows everything. And finally, I hope you get rid of this "friend," Miriam.
ReplyDeleteJane
Thanks, Jane. I guess he never heard of volunteer work--best way to meet people and make a contribution. Hassling very mature ladies over the internet? Poor choice if you're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with! :) You're right, it's a double-edged sword.
ReplyDeleteGreat perspective Miriam. I grappled long and hard with the idea of writing anonymously. I was in a similar situation years ago, but this was in person. I'd gained for myself a shadow. Sorry to say the only way it stopped was by removing myself from contact. It was one of those cut off your nose to spite your face deals. It also meant removing myself from people and places I really enjoyed. ::sigh:: It worked though. The shadow attached itself elsewhere and my life went in another direction entirely. You can report your shadow to FB. Best luck,
ReplyDelete~Rose
I know I'm hoping he doesn't push it that far. Three contacts is one too many. Sorry to hear you had this experience, too. Unfortunately, I think many of us have and I can't for the life of me figure out why. There are so many great things to do in life, why chase after someone? Move on, already.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear this is going on, Miriam. I've never had it happen, thank goodness. And I'm wishing you the best of luck in solving this problem.
ReplyDeleteTake care
Thanks, Vonda. This is my first time with it, but I've heard of plenty of others who ran into the same thing. I'm wondering if it's more frequent among romance writers. Like this guy actually believes I'm a sexy vamp instead of a grey-haired lady in a bathrobe and barn boots, out feeding the horses at 5 a.m.
ReplyDeleteThere's always got to be some dude who intrudes into our space trying to "make a deal." Yes. It has happened to me. A guy who almost daily wanted to "friend" me on Facebook using what he thought were charming words. I never friended him. I don't know how to unfriend someone yet so best not to have to go there. I just ignore him entirely. Hope it works. It is so annoying.
ReplyDeleteYou, too, Sarah? Sigh. Yeah, I'm ignoring. Poor guy needs a hobby. I'm still too busy for that.
ReplyDeleteHas anyone out there read The Gift of Fear? It's written by a man who actually protects movie stars, etc., from stalkers--like the late night talk show host had. Some of them are dangerous, so I don't encourage anybody on my private IM's or facebook, unless I know them. If you're mixing personal sites w/professional, there's the loophole. And I'm still working on how not to, and actually have a professional working now to transfer the business things & make the separation. But buy the book & read it, too. Great gift for all the women you love. One of the examples is of perseverance, one stalker who wrote thousands of letters w/o the slightest encouragement. Scary. Enjoyed your blog & the comments.
ReplyDeleteI almost never let men "Friend" my author page on FB for this very reason. Of my 4,000+ "Friends" 99% of them are women. The few men are probably authors or publishing insiders or requests that I accidentally accepted when I wasn't paying close attention. My married status is the only personal note about me that's visible on FB. As you know, Miriam, there are a lot of weirdos out there! I hope yours disappears!
ReplyDeleteBest--Adele
Thanks, everybody, for the suggestions. Yes, I know I'm not the only one this has happened to. And I might add that although it's usually a male-pursuing-female situation, the opposite occurs too and is equally unattractive. Guys need to realize this is not the way to win a woman--they'll piss her off, scare her off or both. As for gals, all our mothers told us to be careful what you wish for. If someone is alone and hating it, volunteer! There are all sorts of groups desperately looking for help and it's an automatic way to make online or personal contact with people who already share an interest with you. Now...back to the cave. I promised my publisher a book and I need to get busy.
ReplyDeleteLucky for me, but I've never had that happen, Miriam. Although I've heard of it happening to other writers many times. Hope yours goes away soon. :(
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lisa. Me, too. I'm pretty busy at the moment (as usual!).
ReplyDeleteGood insight Miriam. Once we do "put ourselves out there," are we safe from every random bizarro? I'm afraid the answer is a resounding NO.
ReplyDeleteI know that I want and crave reader input. Promoting to fellow authors feels a bit masturbatory...I long for the avid touch of a "fan." I want someone to form the Erin O'Quinn Fan Club. But I have to ask myself how badly I really want such closeness with the great public. The rewards are great, as you point out. But you also warn us that the risks may be very unpleasant and you are wise to try to forearm us.
Does FB have a policing agency? Have you reported to them? Or is their policing as lame as their friending?
I'm hoping by blocking this person I have delivered my message. If not, yes, reporting is the next step. Thanks for stopping by, Erin.
ReplyDelete